So today I had an epiphany.
You could count on me writing “All we need is love” five times (at least) randomly on some piece of paper at my desk. It’s like a random quote that is engraved in my heart. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why as soon as a pen was in my hand…it just flowed so easily, so unintentionally.
Then I had a two part assholish and inspiniring conversation with a friend. We talked of career and life goals, the repetitive injustice of another innocent black man being killed, the stereotypes of black women, and my kids getting on my nerves. Lol. In a nutshell, I learned and had to state some of my own bias and prejudice, out loud. Yep.
I had to own my shit!!!
I had to own that when I go out and I see a majority of black men is SA dating or married to a woman of any race but his own, it boiled my skin. But it boiled my skin in different levels, depending on each race. I had to own that when I go out I intentionally give extra effort to come off as the not so angry black woman, which is quite ridiculous when you say that shit out loud. I had to own that I have grown to dislike white people, all of them, even the ones I know may stand next to me in the heat of battle to fight for my slain and endangered brothers and sisters. This shit was heavy to own. Even after we hung up, I still pondered on. I had added extra space in between me and people that I say I love because they are white and silent. Hell I even perversely am quite shady and a bit slanted at the eyes with people I know are down and are vocal as hell.
But I was most importantly left wondering when the fuck did I become so jaded??
I didn’t just wake up to this, it took some growth and nurturing to be this way. I wasn’t formed this way in my upbringing. I honestly didn’t become this person until I entered into my late 20’s. I’ve always had an eclectic group of people I called friends, I’ve always been the one to never judge or criticize another’s life due to who or what they love…until now. Now I’m such a bias, prejudice asshole! But I have to say I have had some mighty damn good help getting here.
The way I am treated as a black woman, the fact that while we are out…they will speak and smile to him, acknowledge him with a smile but I’m overlooked. I’m assumed to be angry til I prove myself otherwise. I’ve been in the room filled with white people and my ears are murdered by the screeching of white fragility, that wouldn’t have become present if another WHITE PERSON didn’t feel the need to say NIGGER randomly in the corner, all while me and my actual friend (you know the only reason I’m even here) are talking about cheese dip. Like how the fuck did we get here Bob?!?!? “Oh no I’m not racist, I’m just saying I don’t say that.” Ohhhhh you just so happen to have said it while the party is filled with every bit of only 2 black folk. Oh. Ok. I have received a phone call about how in 2015 my guy can’t be at a red light in Little Rock without a group of random white boys pulling up and screaming “fucking nigger” and “go back to where you came from”. He was in his truck minding his own nigger business though 😒
Ok. See when that last shit happened I was still graceful. I was able to pass the ignorance test white folk seem to like to subconsciously put black folk through. But today? I’m shaking. I’m scared. I’m scared of how long I will be in jail after kicking somebody in they got damn ass. I am just not here for it. My “everybody loves everybody” meter is out of fucking gas. I want to own my bias and prejudice, but before I can truly rise above it….I need others to own their shit too. The right type of owning it. Not any of that passive I know it’s wrong but let it still go on type of ish. Yeah you are right, i know what you might be thinking….I own my own actions and thoughts. However it’s psychologically proven we are creatures of habit and are statistically products of our environment. No that doesn’t mean if you were born into a crack infested project you will forever remain part of that cycle, however some of the shit you may have seen/heard may influence who you call a friend, brother, associate or wife or what you aspire to become or consider a productive being. It’s sticks to you unconsciously. Like how even though a young white man may have been raised in a home of full blown racists, he may not grow up into wearing the magical ghostly cape of, cowards, oops I mean of inbred assholes with a mission of hate….however that young white male may have subtle bias and prejudice, he may even go as far as to overcompensate by emerging himself in black culture. Well up until that one day Tyrone pisses him off beyond belief and then he hates all black people too. For life? For just a little while? Who knows. It’s inherently there to manifest.
This all must stop, because right now America is on its way to getting its 145,887,656,766,999 stitch in a wound that hasn’t been treated properly so it can not properly heal. There is an opening and desperate need for love. Real unconditional love. We all will never fully agree, we all will never fully understand each other, we all will walk differently in the same pair of shoes called life. But we all have to love each other just a little bit more. It’s fucked up. There is a major problem. But me creating hate in response to the hate I’ve received personally or watched, it isn’t gonna to solve a got damn thing. Just add more fuel to an everlasting fire that needs to be extinguished. Sooooo….
It starts from within. Own your shit. Then teach some shit to someone. B/c
WE ALL NEED LOVE!!!