Monthly Archives: May 2017

Fear is deadly.

He made me laugh. He was attentive. He was cute. He was caring. He listened. Even before knowing everything, he was quick to say stop being unhappy. It didn’t hurt that he knew how to touch me properly.

I can’t say I loved him, I hadn’t known him long enough. However I did care. I wanted to see him everyday. I wanted to talk. I wanted to flirt. I wanted to smile. I wanted him to be my happy place.

Then reality hit and I was actually so unhappy in the place that I was in. I was so drained from sadness and what I thought as settling that I settled for his half step. I knew we couldn’t be more, so there wasn’t judgement on this part. But I also knew I couldn’t let my guard down. I knew I couldn’t trust him anymore than I could people of my past, as well as the person of my present. But I also knew I couldn’t give him the time because the fear that he would turn sour just like an apple shortly after being cut. It wouldn’t take long. I’m trying not to judge. I’m trying not to be too rash. I can’t change what I digested and how I feel now. Now mind you when I say I know or knew, these are things I’ve felt as we had not had enough interaction to base this on experience.

I’ve always been an all or nothing type of girl, I don’t have a clue what in between means. So I don’t ever want to be mad or loving on a man that doesn’t belong to me and has higher potential to never be. I don’t want to grow to love a man that would never love me. It is on my top ten terrified moments list. One could assume that I’ll forever be single then, I’ve accepted that as highly likely in this lifetime of mine. So on and so on…were as the day was filled with sadness and a uneasy feeling for me, I was reminded that he was ok….this was his life and my feelings were just a casualty of his war fare. It’s still not his fault and I wouldn’t dare blame him.

The saddest part of this story is that no matter how illogical this seemed my heart and my body wanted him. The small amount of naïveté that remained in my soul wanted there to be a purpose or a reason that I radiated to him. I want so badly for there to be a reason, more or less a purpose that we crossed paths. Out of all the faces I met, all the places I visited, there was this man that I met that had my soul on fire. The feeling of angst like a kid, being the first thought when I wake up….these are things that I hadn’t felt in so long. They were all things that I needed and wanted to feel way longer than I knew him.

I would have love to blame the sex, but that wasn’t it. It was great, don’t get me wrong. In all honesty that was our first date, sex. Yep, not going to skate around it like it wasn’t the purpose. But I knew it went from being just that, because I wanted to take the time to know him. It appeared to be the same. Just wanting to be in his presence so that I could tip toe through his mind and see what foundation was there.

Then I remembered I was a woman, a hurt woman. A confused woman. I was more willing to hurt myself than to let another man get the best of me. At this very moment I had to accept I was broken and I lived under a mask. Every adjective someone used to describe me, weak was never included. Neither was vulnerable. But those were the things I actually felt, include lost on that list too. See this wasn’t a matter of us being together or dating for a while and me weighing options, this was a two month span that I was terrified of watching unfold. I was terrified that I would let him in and he didn’t agree. Or he didn’t reciprocate whatever was to come. I was just shit brick little girl scared to venture away from what I had known. I based my thoughts off of rationale and past experience, I compared him to those. I ran the numbers of what was likely and highly unlikely, and I had to choose was a potential good memory worth exploring if it did process out the potential of hurt. Please believe that I took in consideration that not one thought of mine or any promise for him would guarantee any one thing. Neither of us have that power in this life.

I regretted the choices I had made already to get my head, heart and soul into its current state from all that surrounded me. The thought of potentially placing myself in another hurtful place made me shake. It made me quiver. It made me slide back into my shell, back into myself. Ideally I don’t trust people, I call myself intentionally observing behaviors so that I can identify when those are off. And for the first time in my life I feel like I may have done that a little too much to my own demise. I’ve marched and drum to a beat that is filled with caution. This now is all I know.

So what I figured out and want to share today is solely this, you can not be free if you live in fear of what could happen. If you live in the hurt. If you live in falsely set expectations. We do not know our number, we do not know what is left to come. By no means do I use this as an excuse to live foolishly, but I do encourage us to live with less limitations…HELL YES! Be you. Be true to you. Be honest with you. And just fucking live! I may have lost a friend that was more well placed in that position because I ran off a highly toxic mixture of fear and irrationality. I’m not taking the blame, but I’m encouraging us all to own our part.

So the best advice I can give is to not syke yourself out with fear, all we have is the 24 hours we are in now. Do the things that make your heart scream and your soul speak. You could hurt yourself walking down the street, you could hurt yourself by entrusting the wrong friend, or loving the wrong man….all things are possible so being scared that it will happen or could happen is paralyzing you from learning or seeing something beautiful that you might actually need. ✌🏾

Live Fearlessly 😘

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Enough of The Deep End

Often times introverts are considered to be anti-social, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.   While there are periods of time introverts prefer to be alone and in quiet areas, social interactions are definitely things we are interested in.   It’s just harder to convince yourself you’ll have a good time when there are so many unknown factors.  I’ve compared social interactions to swimming in a large body of water.  I can do it, but after a while my social muscles get tired and I want nothing more  than to hop out of the pool and rest.  There’s no specific formula to how long I can spend in a social environment, but there are some factors that affect it.  For the sake of keeping with the water theme I’ll call these factors Flotation devices-people/things that make it possible to stay comfortable in social situations longer, and anchors-people/things that make it more difficult to remain comfortable in social situations.   If you’re someone that can get an introvert to go out with relative ease let me say congratulations to you, because you are most certainly a flotation device!!!  Right now you may be thinking about an introverted friend and asking yourself “Am I a flotation device or an anchor?”   Well, time and observation are the only ways you can determine where you stand in the social experience on an introvert, but I’m going to give you a few signs that indicate an introvert is done with a social event.

The fake smile

Often times an introvert will put honest effort to not leave social environments because it’s hard to tell when we’ve put forth the right amount of effort to satisfy our social obligation, but when we’ve hit our limit, the ‘fake it till you make it’ kicks in hard.  If your look lingers for a moment after a fake smile you might see the “done” look.

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The phone obsession

Now this one can be tricky because most people take a moment in social environments, but here’s the difference……There aren’t any selfies, there aren’t any funny laughs and hand gestures to show other people what just made you laugh.  There’s a blank stare and scrolling and that’s it.  stock-photo-dressing-in-a-light-orange-short-sleeve-v-neck-shirt-jeans-and-leather-sneakers-a-young-handsome-169194425

The distant stare

Similar to the stare into a phone screen, a large number of introverts are also able to lose themselves in their own brains.  You’ll see this more often in introverts who also have ADHD.  I myself get lost in writing stories in my head to keep my attention when I’m over people.  These stories can range from science fiction to erotic fiction depending on where my headspace is.

Distant stare

There are truly so many ways to tell when an introvert is done with a situation, but these are some of my most used tells.  None of the tells matter without one critical piece, and I’ll tell you that critical piece at the end of the post.  Depending on the reaction received when introverts say we want to leave, we will try to stick it out until we are literally miserable.  So please be kind to your introvert friend and tell us “it’s okay to leave” and watch our eyes light up.  Remember that you going home early equals the same amount of effort and sacrifice made by an introvert to come out at all.  So next time instead of complaining about us leaving early, lean over and say  “Let’s get out of here and go have a quiet rest of the night.”  You may see a reaction close to something out of a cartoon.

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Oh….the secret key to knowing when we’ve had enough is to pay attention!  Let your gaze linger after a smile, listen for the subtle tones that tell you we’re trying but we’re tired, and if all else fails ask us how we feel and be okay if we say we want to leave.  That’s what makes you the real MVP!