Category Archives: Circumstance

The funny thing about life is that you never know who, why or what; or how it can be flipped upside down in a short span of time. And I recently had to accept what I couldn’t change and truly give up my anger and gather my power……

Let me paint a picture for y’all
I was randomly looking for a receipt for something. I rummaged through my email and I ran across a specific email. It had no relevance but popped in the search results for some reason. After that, I took the time to relive a moment in time that was bitter sweet. This song by Bishop Briggs (feel the way I do) popped on. I cried a good hour in my car, on my lunch. The words, good and bad, that I just took in. It touched me in a way that I didn’t think was possible. Especially not on this day. Not after this amount of time. One could say easily, hate and anger should consume me from this particular moment in life.

But that’s when I realized…it didn’t. And I had to really swallow a few things.
We ended before we started; we got, what most would take years to experience. We just completed it in such a short time. It was a world-wind and the pure definition of a soul-tie. This bond is indescribable in a way. There was no resolve. There was no closure. There was a wall. A wall we both took time to build and swear to never relive.

This song is now one of my favorites because it helped me relinquish some things that needed their freedom.

I had to accept more recently that my forgiveness of him, came from a willing and natural exchange of energy between us. A piece in which I gave access to very few people, if any honestly. In hindsight, I had to be thankful that I experienced this….the magnitude of emotion and care, not through touch but through words and interaction. To also accept the love I had found in my soul and that the true entrance to my soul is a gateway and path built through the loops and turns of my mind. He wasn’t my enemy. I just gave him more of me than I really knew on the surface level.
We are who we are, but you also have to accept the beauty even when we aren’t. The beauty of a connection in the metaphysical is rare and dangerous, but addicting to a degree.

The sad part is that I may have lost a friend… that if things done over, could have been great. This may be the worst part of emotional intelligence, it’s an after the fact thing. You realize a flaw after the stain is left on you.

The biggest misconception is that a soul tie is a soul mate, or that a soul mate is a life partner in the sense of an intimate relationship. Sometimes it’s simply a friend. We just have to learn when and where the lines should not cross and how to keep it healthy. If that feeling of love was created from the purity of your soul, it should be unconditional. Which means even when a person isn’t what you want them to be, you love them through it regardless of a title or standing in their life. Especially when it’s a tie that is held by the both of you.

But most importantly….

Be careful of who you expose your soul to. ✌🏽

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Fear is deadly.

He made me laugh. He was attentive. He was cute. He was caring. He listened. Even before knowing everything, he was quick to say stop being unhappy. It didn’t hurt that he knew how to touch me properly.

I can’t say I loved him, I hadn’t known him long enough. However I did care. I wanted to see him everyday. I wanted to talk. I wanted to flirt. I wanted to smile. I wanted him to be my happy place.

Then reality hit and I was actually so unhappy in the place that I was in. I was so drained from sadness and what I thought as settling that I settled for his half step. I knew we couldn’t be more, so there wasn’t judgement on this part. But I also knew I couldn’t let my guard down. I knew I couldn’t trust him anymore than I could people of my past, as well as the person of my present. But I also knew I couldn’t give him the time because the fear that he would turn sour just like an apple shortly after being cut. It wouldn’t take long. I’m trying not to judge. I’m trying not to be too rash. I can’t change what I digested and how I feel now. Now mind you when I say I know or knew, these are things I’ve felt as we had not had enough interaction to base this on experience.

I’ve always been an all or nothing type of girl, I don’t have a clue what in between means. So I don’t ever want to be mad or loving on a man that doesn’t belong to me and has higher potential to never be. I don’t want to grow to love a man that would never love me. It is on my top ten terrified moments list. One could assume that I’ll forever be single then, I’ve accepted that as highly likely in this lifetime of mine. So on and so on…were as the day was filled with sadness and a uneasy feeling for me, I was reminded that he was ok….this was his life and my feelings were just a casualty of his war fare. It’s still not his fault and I wouldn’t dare blame him.

The saddest part of this story is that no matter how illogical this seemed my heart and my body wanted him. The small amount of naïveté that remained in my soul wanted there to be a purpose or a reason that I radiated to him. I want so badly for there to be a reason, more or less a purpose that we crossed paths. Out of all the faces I met, all the places I visited, there was this man that I met that had my soul on fire. The feeling of angst like a kid, being the first thought when I wake up….these are things that I hadn’t felt in so long. They were all things that I needed and wanted to feel way longer than I knew him.

I would have love to blame the sex, but that wasn’t it. It was great, don’t get me wrong. In all honesty that was our first date, sex. Yep, not going to skate around it like it wasn’t the purpose. But I knew it went from being just that, because I wanted to take the time to know him. It appeared to be the same. Just wanting to be in his presence so that I could tip toe through his mind and see what foundation was there.

Then I remembered I was a woman, a hurt woman. A confused woman. I was more willing to hurt myself than to let another man get the best of me. At this very moment I had to accept I was broken and I lived under a mask. Every adjective someone used to describe me, weak was never included. Neither was vulnerable. But those were the things I actually felt, include lost on that list too. See this wasn’t a matter of us being together or dating for a while and me weighing options, this was a two month span that I was terrified of watching unfold. I was terrified that I would let him in and he didn’t agree. Or he didn’t reciprocate whatever was to come. I was just shit brick little girl scared to venture away from what I had known. I based my thoughts off of rationale and past experience, I compared him to those. I ran the numbers of what was likely and highly unlikely, and I had to choose was a potential good memory worth exploring if it did process out the potential of hurt. Please believe that I took in consideration that not one thought of mine or any promise for him would guarantee any one thing. Neither of us have that power in this life.

I regretted the choices I had made already to get my head, heart and soul into its current state from all that surrounded me. The thought of potentially placing myself in another hurtful place made me shake. It made me quiver. It made me slide back into my shell, back into myself. Ideally I don’t trust people, I call myself intentionally observing behaviors so that I can identify when those are off. And for the first time in my life I feel like I may have done that a little too much to my own demise. I’ve marched and drum to a beat that is filled with caution. This now is all I know.

So what I figured out and want to share today is solely this, you can not be free if you live in fear of what could happen. If you live in the hurt. If you live in falsely set expectations. We do not know our number, we do not know what is left to come. By no means do I use this as an excuse to live foolishly, but I do encourage us to live with less limitations…HELL YES! Be you. Be true to you. Be honest with you. And just fucking live! I may have lost a friend that was more well placed in that position because I ran off a highly toxic mixture of fear and irrationality. I’m not taking the blame, but I’m encouraging us all to own our part.

So the best advice I can give is to not syke yourself out with fear, all we have is the 24 hours we are in now. Do the things that make your heart scream and your soul speak. You could hurt yourself walking down the street, you could hurt yourself by entrusting the wrong friend, or loving the wrong man….all things are possible so being scared that it will happen or could happen is paralyzing you from learning or seeing something beautiful that you might actually need. ✌🏾

Live Fearlessly 😘

Fragile

Frag-ile (adjective)

(of a person) not strong or sturdy; delicate or vulnerable.

You do understand it’s ok to be fragile? If not, are you superman or superwoman? Is your heart built of steel? Are you completely impenetrable of pain or hurt?

The thing about this word is that it is synonymous with weak, so there for in some sick twisted way we fight to prove or make an impression that it isn’t something we are or can be! But, my beloveds we have to learn on this path, there will always be a moment of fragility, of vulnerability, of tired, of gloom. Do not run or hide from this. Do not be ashamed and throat-check any and everyone that makes you feel as if you should be.

I’ll tell you my today and you take what you need from it. If anything at all, take that you aren’t alone.

At all times of my day, I am the rock. I am the center, I am the guard, I am the goalie. As we have previously discussed, I enjoy it so no complaints. However, we have to be clear when you are all those things to everyone, it is so desperate and important for you to keep your alignment and energy in check. If not you will be drowned by the sound of everyone’s pain.

I know this!

Right?!

Yes! I do.

But what I had to admit to myself is that I am still fragile. I had to say that shit aloud. I had to own it. I had to cry and smile while still maintaining the ambiance of my home, the openness to my friends and family, the fixer of whatever and be super mom. There was one interaction with one person that spiraled my day and it was only 9 a.m., I was unhappy. I was screaming. I was in need of my personal rescue. Other than this, I’m still in search of what that one thing is. And that’s ok, this is a marathon, not a sprint. The point is that somehow I sat here lost and looking for something that I know we all can only give ourselves.

Peace. 

See everyone’s first answer is to tell you to be thankful, be grateful. “It’ll be ok, you woke up”, they say. This may have some truth in it, but it’s not what’s needed. And its ok for you to say thank you but no thanks to surface level ass advice. If you have to demand the time to take care of yourself, DO IT! If you have to make a few people unhappy because you chose your own happiness over theirs, DO IT! I use to walk on eggshells with this person, I catered and cut off any and everything that made them feel any type of uneasiness…to give some sick sense of gratification in my pain. Because of certain titles in life, you think or have this innate feeling that is what you are supposed to do. It wasn’t until today that I saw that in its true form and understood the barriers in my life that were created because of this. Now we all have our own story and our own demons or fears or worries. None greater than the next, but all still special and meaningful in their own right. The curveball? Learning and using your own power to stand over whatever those barriers are. Take your power back. Own the past, present and what is to come!

The curveball? Learning and using your own power to stand over whatever those barriers are, isn’t easy and takes work. But for you, you must take your power back. Own the past, present and what is to come!

AND love on you first and foremost! 

Without you, those around you or the space you work towards building will fall. So today isn’t about what I can do to inspire in its entirety but what I can receive out of this energy. What change can I make to be better tomorrow? Hell, what can I do that is self-defining within the next hour? What will make the foundation stronger? I’m quite sure there will be many of times we all see a fragile or vulnerable state again. It’s life but…..if I can give you anything, this shit takes work every day and you have to live it intentionally until it’s done subconsciously.

If euphoria was easily attainable, we still wouldn’t have it because it would be too expensive for our reach.

Now we must create our own!

-MalJenJon

Living in the moment….

Honestly….Truly, do you understand the meaning of living in the moment? When you speak your ideal, what does it sound like out loud? Would you be able to explain this in a crowded room? Would you be able to walk what it is you are talking? You would have to know a lot of my experiences to understand my outlook, but without giving you that right at this moment catch this work, please….

I personally do not believe we live in the moment enough! My definition? To live in the moment is to embrace each moment or encounter as if it will be the last. Now if anyone of my generation or older is reading this, you would say this is actually the problem of society with the lacking of responsibilities or ambition, that is NOT what I’m speaking of and a whole nother conversation to be had. I am solely speaking to those overwhelmed souls right now or somebody searching for a new road to happy.

We continuously go from day to day thinking of what is expected of us, never once going over what we expect of ourselves. We stress and worry so much that we become robots, forgetting our soul’s necessity to embrace the day before us. It’s a constant cycle of not being good enough. Not doing great, enough. The disappointments of expectations not falling through. Maybe, it’s financial or social, hell it could be family. The interactions we have with other walking strangers or those closest to us, draining all the energy that we hadn’t charged up enough for. The job you hate. The kids, the house, and the dog. The mediocrity and melancholy you feel in solitude, covered by a smile in passing. Your shoulders pressed by the weight of whatever that plague may be. I’ve been there, I understand it all very well. But…..

I NEED YOU TO KNOW….all of the things that may be taking a toll or feeling like a brick is actually very minuscule to the weight and worth of your entire existence. Ride with me for a second.

On the entire scale of where or what your life is right now, YOU have the most control. Everything and everyone belong to their own specific role; these are your constants and variables of this equation of life. Let’s keep in mind, always, that you are a constant beloved AND your job is to appropriately place the things in your life in the appropriate category. As long as the blessing of our eyes opening and energies not being recycled is given, we have the most power imaginable. So with that being said your first steps to finding your inner joy, will be truly embracing every encounter and interaction as its first and last experience while walking through your day. Manifest the energy you want to be, the energy you want to spread, the happiness you want to see. Enjoy the dark just as great as the light. Never be afraid to be, do or say what is necessary for you to be the happiest you. Now I am not preaching self-indulgence but a more proactive self-love credo. It is completely oh-fucking-kay to use your enjoyment or benefit or want or need as the reason why you will or will not partake in anything.

See my joy has always come from building others up, very randomly and short lived do I get the same. I chose, to be honest with myself in the discovery phase, that was ok with me. Because in watching someone come to me with an issue and smile walking away feeling half an inch more empowered than before, actually empowers me. My problems are my own and if you choose to be solution oriented then it’s hella easier to be happy. Now understand that when I say “solution oriented”, you do have to understand that sometimes the solution is actually, nothing. Do nothing, say nothing, leave that shhh right where it is and when it happened (AKA variable). See when your actions become purely motivated off of anything other than want or will, it becomes a task. You will never embrace the day or the energy if it is only a task. Say the word “task” aloud, it sounds horrible right? A task is a job. A task is stressful. IF my life’s journey is a task, my outlook would mimic a room of death.

Remember I never claimed to have all the answers, and some things may take more time than others. But what I can say is that you have time; be bigger than what you can not control or change (AKA constant). However, in its entirety, you can never miss what you never had and you will never learn what you do not seek to find.

So long story short folks, just go out and embrace the day for what it is, not what it could have been or what you wished it was. Just look at the sky and watch the clouds move, take your shoes off and soak up some of the energy from this earth. Be the greatest you FOR you imaginable.

Because when you close your eyes tonight, only you will hear those thoughts and only you will have the power to change them!

Happy living folks!

*Disclaimer* Never forget everything I say is solely the ideas and perspective, it works for me and with some tweaking and changes, it really could work for anyone. 

Eh….brothers are you sure?

You have to acknowledge your past to control your future…..I can admit that once before in life I may have been the black woman that made a black man contemplate never dating another black woman. I mean….we all have a story.  However, I also found a man that I never had to raise my voice at and I willingly submitted to his spirit…..so when I see some of these wonderful black male specimens make these belittling post of how a sister won’t be able to dream/keep/have/breath/see/think a man if she doesn’t do/fix/embody blah blah blah….in an objectified obsolete and demeaning manner 🤦🏾‍♀️

I just honestly wonder if they take accountability in why their previous situations turned out the way it did?! It’s like that old saying when you point the finger, remember you have four pointing back, type of thing. But I mean honestly….truly, whether it was 23% or 89%, do you own it within yourself before you set forth and begin to categorize, demean and stereotype all of us? 

So now I’m left with the question, what is the real issue? Not the “what we all do” problem, but what is it that you need black man? How can we help you help us? 

Now if I have kept you reading this far, understand this is in no form going to turn into an all-out-black-man-hate-fest! Nope. I love em! I love em all! Flaws, imperfections, nuances, the stance, the presence. The spirit. The soul. The King. The fighter. The father. The brother. Everything. I also am not the one who will ever tell anyone who to love, so this isn’t to bash those who choose interracial relationships either. But honestly, this is a open discussion to find a solution to a disconnect that is way too popular in what appears to only be one group of people, that I see.  

I have a good mixture of races in my circle, friends and family on social media, the one thing that is consistent and the most nerve wrecking —>>> black men are the only ones I see bash the women of their culture. Other men of other races don’t partake in this. Now again, there are a few men of every race that could go on somebody’s shit list, but they aren’t overstating and oversharing this hate at the same rate. I also think this is an “American” thing, because out of every person I know that was born out of the states or whose family traveled here….I’ve never heard them talk that way. Random post and videos I’ve seen in conduct vs content, still not delivered the same. Hell even when I’m trolling through comments, which I like to call research 😉 it’s just not there. Now I’m not naive to think it never happens, but it’s in a private personal setting…that Bullshit locker room talk as they call it. Other than Donald Trump, it’s not shared a million times on Facebook or made a meme and posted on Twitter. 

Recently I came across a fan page for this lady, who shall remain nameless….mainly because I can’t remember it and also due to how crazy she was. My skin boiled at the foolishness she spewed. But also she’s literally batshit crazy, SERIOUSLY and I don’t have the time for my pictures made into memes floating around on  Facebook, cause look after I went through her page….I found out what she did to those who questioned her ideals <please insert laughing emoji twenty times here, and thank you 😂> 

Ok back to the point here, this particular page has a following of roughly 15k black women all over the nation. It shocked the hell out of me. Everything that was shared or said, basically was a black woman confirming every stereotype and stating black women deserved the treatment received in life by anyone for something so simple as “we historically blow our noses the wrong way”.  Is your face as confused as mine? I hope so. Oh but the best part…the best part was a video of black men stating their love of black women and why. Now some reasons could have been left out, it was over-sexualized just a bit towards the end in my opinion….however in her opinion, the title said that it was a DISGUSTING public expression of any desire for a black woman. It is emasculating the black man in a way. Hmmm. (Please insert a face palm right here, right now…cause shit I really tried to get it, I gave up) Oh but if you don’t believe me that this bullshit exist, Here’s a few other random snapshots from random post and stories I’ve read. 

Oh but my favorite of all….this exchange that started after this. 


See this shit here is the mysoginst self hate mindset that some black men have that I don’t understand. You can’t hate something that made you, ya dig? It’s like being mad you woke up but thanking God for grace. So do you want to live or nah? Naturally by a man making these type of statements, his entire mindset is a lost contradiction of hurt and insecurities to any sane and rational person creeping on the internet. Oh and this by far is NOT a black womans fault or job for all black women to fix. And going as far as to label us all into this group of worthless whores with bad attitudes, makes me question what his mom did to him honestly…but I digress. 
Undeniably we, the black woman/mother/sister/lover/friend/enemy-of-state have a want to fix it, statistically we marry black men more often than not. It’s a factor of social behavior for any race though. However we are the ones that get the public humiliation in articles in major magazines justifying how we aren’t fit for marriage. Yet we are responsible for fixing ourselves in hopes of the basket to love us. How black man, how?! 

Now this is the thing, we have so many generational curses that have to be broken in our culture and communities, for us to see that we are the biggest problem to each other and at the same time the greatest benefactors of each other. However by some black men taking this open and public stance it allows for other women of other races to feel superior and publicly belittling black women, as well as black women to feed into this mentality and just settle for anything under the guise we aren’t worthy as a whole. The list of “gotta haves” are ridiculous and insecurities hiding out in guises of having standards. 

Pandering mammies belittle black women who dare to combat misogynoir. Pandering mammies are the first to shut black women down. Pandering mammies are often filled with toxic masculinity. I was a pandering mammy. 

Creighton Leigh 

Theurbantwist.com 


We get to this point were if no ones fighting for us, we will fight for ourselves. We have to stand up for him and us. We have to be the bread winner and make the bread. We have to be soft but also be a bad bitch. We have to be the punching bag, figuratively and literally at times, because he isn’t happy with some minuscule  circumstance of life that he has ever power to change with a cheerleader in his side, or because his emotional and mental baggage is the true holster of his gun. It’s sadly viewed whether publicly stated or not, like the guy stated in the post from Facebook….we are a product. We are an object. We are a stepping stone. We are the right now but not the future. We are too weak yet to strong. We are just like every other woman, but we don’t get the same chance or fight. 

I just speak for the majority of black sisters I know, love who you want….but fight for me the way I fight for you. Speak life into me and help me see my femininity so that I’m not just “strong” for you, but a soft and safe place for you, our family, our community and our culture. Stop relabeling me of something demeaning to go to a cool beat in a rap song and for the world to see. Quit using me to fix you, while tearing me apart in the process. Admire my beauty, strength, weakness and vulnerability like the peace you seek. 
Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws. This isn’t a fight for whose perfect or right, it’s a plea to preserve an endangered species being killed off by its own kin. 

I’ll make this personal in closing, I am submissive to my man because he is my safe place. Every man before him, would call me crazy. Seriously. I’ve heard it. He has never, not to my face at least. He will encourage me and call me on my shit, but love me and guide me to be better. He makes me feel like every part of me was made perfectly. However, We are not perfect and he damn sure does not coddle me at every whim and bump, but he fights to bring peace to my soul. This doesn’t mean he is present for every stick I stumble across, but he’s made me so empowered and secure…he’s present even in his absence. He taught me to follow, because he walked in his power as a leader. He is a fighter. He is the head. He is the protector. He is the overseer of the jungle. In return, when I speak to him, I am overflowing with the feminine energy needed to balance this equation out. I breath life into him in every interaction and make sure he has his own safe place. The point is if we do not have meaningful exchanges on a higher plane than physicality and momentarily, we are just existing and continuing the cycle. 

Positivity breeds greatness, but sadly negativity is infectious and contagious in a more powerful way. When you live in your power those who interact with you can’t help but to transform. But eh what do I know, I’m just out here walking this walk and raising two powerful black men with a great black man next to me 😉

Happy living beloved! 🙌🏾😘

2017

Well hello there January 1 

I initially planned on purging everything that transpired in 2016 but as I sat down and started going over everything in the world….I just got super gloomy and hella wore out. Personally I can put 2016 on one of the greats for me and my family. 

Society?!! Not so much. It was like let down after let down, racial bias and negativity grew on the surface insanely…the deaths…the injustice….the brutality…..the hate amongst people…the backpedal  of “leaders”….the highest regarded seat in the nation handed over to a sociopath. The constant attack on black men yet pillaging and raping of the culture that terrifies people. The blatant disrespect towards our “first historically pushed” black president. The misogynistic atmosphere masked under progressive views. As a (black) woman, mother, sister, daughter, friend….most importantly just as a human….I literally backspaced everything and took a shot of Captain Morgan. 

As the year closed, I simply became just happy that Atlanta and Insecure became a thing on major networks. Well and it also being the year of great musical releases. Ok….Seriously, other than that and a 4 for $12 Coke deal at H.E.B….this was all I could thank society for. But eh…

Here’s how my planned impact for 2017 came about…. 

Through multiple conversations before midnight, I realized we all had something to work towards this year personally to counteract the most recent social changes. Not the typical ‘I want to lose ten pounds’ or ‘not be so much of a loose Betty and settle down’ work. We need more of the I want to share more love within myself and teach my kids or those around me how to love on exchange, so that anyone that interacts with me is inspired or changed in some way. 

I received a call from a friend that made me cry the hardest in happy tears. Not because he called in general as all friends do during the closing of the year, but the fact that he called to tell me the power of me being me as a friend and how it had impacted him, the love he spoke over my life, my relationship, and our friendship. Then the responses through text and emails of other friends I started to get,  all of them had the same theme…I am what I preach. I definitely fall victim of the flesh don’t get me wrong, but the change I want to see….I walk the walk and not just say it. That’s the biggest problem we all face! 

Someone asked me once, “you can’t be that happy all the time?”….they were right and I told them so. I’ve had my moments when patience runs thin, I hate to be disrespected in any sense of the word. I hate ignorance. I’m super picky and I am a control freak. I’m human and a woman, I go through every emotion that’s possible and maybe even some we don’t have names for. However, I don’t give anything my power…for one, I’m to young for wrinkles and two…if I spend more time being angry that means I have less time to solve, evade or remove any issue that could come up. Plus life is a game of constants and variables, and we will never know which falls under which category at first. 

I’m not the most religious person, however anyone that understands basic principles or moral guidelines that call for a positive and productive life should get this scripture in its entirety.

Galatians 5:22-5:23                                             The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

So After I heard this again, for the thousandth time in life, exactly 30 minutes before midnight I felt more empowered sharing the strength and power that 2017 can embody than the weaknesses of the past. This new set of 365 days mean absolutely nothing if we don’t get out of our comfort zone! We live in love of the flesh so much, that we forget simple practices that can help us and others see a future that’s less evil. You don’t have to have money or items to give to the world when you have a spirit of gold. You don’t have to go to church or be a religious fanatic to complete this task either.

One could say we all have the ideal of what God is inside of us, when you pray…you pray to yourself in silence…whether you practice in energies or vibrations….it’s all a matter of manifestation. Whatever you believe, it all sums down to you being the source…with no works there are no fruits. 

You can fight for all that is right but if your spirit is in dismay, no one will listen. If you are not the embodiment spiritually or morally of  what you want your surroundings to be, you’re your own roadblock. None of this is easy and it takes way more work to be positive honestly.  So here’s a personal challenge list I came up with…..

  1. Be present and find joy in every moment. 
  2. Make your space as peaceful as possible, no one has the right to enter that space unless invited. 
  3. Find control in your triggers or those random things that’s just not worth the stress. 
  4. Forgive yourself for what you can’t change or those who have wronged you. 
  5. Do something good or kind out of love, not to share on social media but for the actual feeling you get in the moment. 
  6. Keep your faith or vibrations on high, speak positive and life into yourself and those around you.
  7. Master self control. Moderation is key in all things, anything in too much of a high dose can be deadly to your spirit. 
  8. Lastly, if your list of wants is longer than your needs…be thankful for what is and work towards what shall be. 

Long story short go be great in all that you do, we have so many generational curses that need to be broken. Without doing and just talking, the cycle will repeat.

Happy living! 😉

Freedom 

I normally don’t do this too often but when I seen this picture I cried. So here’s the realist throwback Thursday you’ll ever witness from me. 

Most people would describe me as carefree and generally positive with my outlook on day to day life. It’s definitely a learned behavior. I have seen and experienced some of the worst shit, and one could say I didn’t deserve most of it. However I’m not a victim. Here’s a little story…..This photo is from four weeks after my 22nd birthday and also from getting out of the hospital from 3rd and 4th degree burns all over my body. Victim of circumstance from dealing with a man with demons infested in his soul. Most importantly though, this is also the moment that taught me to follow my gut with anyone and anything, as well as myself. 

I laid in that hospital for one week after having surgery, family and friends visited. I honestly can say that anyone that stepped in that hospital room to visit me or even my nurses, they all had a purpose and played a major part in my recovery mentally.  

One person in particular, that made me understand my fight….that was my granny. My grandmother dealt with a lot of physical ailments, and at this particular time she had an oxygen tank she had to carry around with her. And the last time I talked to her, she told me she wanted to come but probably wouldn’t due to this. I’m not selfish by far but the one person I knew that would come and comfort me during a moment in my life that’s filed in the horrible shit folder, it was always her. So I was sad at the thought of her not being there, but I understood so I didn’t push. 

Well she came anyway knowing she shouldn’t have. She sat in the chair next to my bed and just stared at me for a moment, and then looked away. She was quiet. And then she spoke life into me. I remember her telling me that I have a testimony and I couldn’t keep running from that purpose. She told me to fight. She told me to love myself. I felt her energy. 

Because of the positioning of said burns I had to go through therapy and train my leg to walk again. With my mom by my side I walked, I cried and was in so much pain but I walked. 

The pain didn’t stop there. 

I remember the day I left that hospital and having to try and walk in the house, I’ve never cried out of pain so much in my life. I couldn’t get up on my own. There was a friend of my brother that was there and she had experienced a situation like mine but worst, she hugged me and prayed with me. I felt comfort in her arms because regardless of so many saying how sorry they were to hear my experience, she KNEW the physical and mental pain I was going through. She knew the battle that would continue to come. 

I’ve always been headstrong and determined for what I want. So….every day after that I fought. I fought to be at peace. I fought to stay sane. I fought to not be bitter. I fought to just come out of that and just be still…..to just be me, completely. 

I have scars on my arms, my entire stomach is completely scarred and the back of my entire left leg is scarred from the skin grafts. Everyday looking at that was like hell for me, I was so self conscious. I was ashamed. 

Well fast forward a month and on this day of that picture above, it was my first outing with some family/friends. I had owned that yellow dress for a year and never wore it. I made up in my mind right at that moment, I was going to that day. It showed a piece of my stomach, my arms and my legs. EVERY place a scar existed was exposed. 

My mom cried when she saw me in that dress; I wasn’t a mother then so I didn’t quite get it. Then she quickly stopped and smiled, she said I looked cute. I just laughed a little and I walked out the door and got in the car with my brother. 

I felt so scared. I felt so helpless. I felt ugly. I felt hurt. I felt like everybody that seen me would stare. I was uncomfortable. I second guessed my decision. On the way to our destination, my brother stopped and picked up a family friend. I had about five minutes to sit in the car by myself, and all these feelings and thoughts swirled in my head. 

I asked, God why?

Then I looked out the window and seen the sun setting and the sky was so serene. One of the most beautiful times in my mind, I can still see it so vividly. I looked in the mirror and smiled back at my reflection. 

  • I chose to love me that day. 

I chose to not care what anyone thought of me or my scars. I knew my heart and I knew my intent in dealing with anyone in my life, I would no longer go out of my way to prove that. I became me!! I accepted me, the imperfectly perfect and flawed creature that the heavens created. 

A few years later after I had my first son, who had some complications at birth. I had just left the hospital from being with him and headed to my moms house. On this particular day, my mom finally told me why she cried when she seen me in that dress. She said when she saw me in that dress she knew I was a fighter and strong willed. She knew that I had chose to love me and in that moment she was proud of me for being so boldly myself! She knew that I was being molded to fight for a purpose. 

Sitting here today and coming across this picture today, I cried. And cried even harder in saying all of this. As a mother of two young men, I can only imagine how my parents felt watching me go through that. But I’m not crying out of sadness or hurt right now!! I’m crying out of joy and the grace that has kept me to become the woman I am today. Gaining the knowledge and wisdom of loving myself first! Loving myself was the key for me to love on others so genuinely. 

Acknowledging the favor I’ve had and continue to receive, I spend most of my days speaking life into others because I know what it feels like to feel lost and empty. I know what it feels like to be alone in a room full of people. I give away my path as a token of wisdom to those who come across me. Woman, man, boy or girl……I give. I give not to show off or to think I know more, but to inspire and exchange energy.

The biggest thing that I’ve ever been thankful for in life is growth, the good…the bad and the uglier. I’m thankful for it all. 

But I’m especially thankful for the FREEDOM of not letting any interaction, circumstance or pain dictate my vantage point!  I’ve survived too much to let evil and negativity manifest my destiny! 
Be positive. Be happy. 

Happy living 🙌🏾