Category Archives: Feminist

Fear is deadly.

He made me laugh. He was attentive. He was cute. He was caring. He listened. Even before knowing everything, he was quick to say stop being unhappy. It didn’t hurt that he knew how to touch me properly.

I can’t say I loved him, I hadn’t known him long enough. However I did care. I wanted to see him everyday. I wanted to talk. I wanted to flirt. I wanted to smile. I wanted him to be my happy place.

Then reality hit and I was actually so unhappy in the place that I was in. I was so drained from sadness and what I thought as settling that I settled for his half step. I knew we couldn’t be more, so there wasn’t judgement on this part. But I also knew I couldn’t let my guard down. I knew I couldn’t trust him anymore than I could people of my past, as well as the person of my present. But I also knew I couldn’t give him the time because the fear that he would turn sour just like an apple shortly after being cut. It wouldn’t take long. I’m trying not to judge. I’m trying not to be too rash. I can’t change what I digested and how I feel now. Now mind you when I say I know or knew, these are things I’ve felt as we had not had enough interaction to base this on experience.

I’ve always been an all or nothing type of girl, I don’t have a clue what in between means. So I don’t ever want to be mad or loving on a man that doesn’t belong to me and has higher potential to never be. I don’t want to grow to love a man that would never love me. It is on my top ten terrified moments list. One could assume that I’ll forever be single then, I’ve accepted that as highly likely in this lifetime of mine. So on and so on…were as the day was filled with sadness and a uneasy feeling for me, I was reminded that he was ok….this was his life and my feelings were just a casualty of his war fare. It’s still not his fault and I wouldn’t dare blame him.

The saddest part of this story is that no matter how illogical this seemed my heart and my body wanted him. The small amount of naïveté that remained in my soul wanted there to be a purpose or a reason that I radiated to him. I want so badly for there to be a reason, more or less a purpose that we crossed paths. Out of all the faces I met, all the places I visited, there was this man that I met that had my soul on fire. The feeling of angst like a kid, being the first thought when I wake up….these are things that I hadn’t felt in so long. They were all things that I needed and wanted to feel way longer than I knew him.

I would have love to blame the sex, but that wasn’t it. It was great, don’t get me wrong. In all honesty that was our first date, sex. Yep, not going to skate around it like it wasn’t the purpose. But I knew it went from being just that, because I wanted to take the time to know him. It appeared to be the same. Just wanting to be in his presence so that I could tip toe through his mind and see what foundation was there.

Then I remembered I was a woman, a hurt woman. A confused woman. I was more willing to hurt myself than to let another man get the best of me. At this very moment I had to accept I was broken and I lived under a mask. Every adjective someone used to describe me, weak was never included. Neither was vulnerable. But those were the things I actually felt, include lost on that list too. See this wasn’t a matter of us being together or dating for a while and me weighing options, this was a two month span that I was terrified of watching unfold. I was terrified that I would let him in and he didn’t agree. Or he didn’t reciprocate whatever was to come. I was just shit brick little girl scared to venture away from what I had known. I based my thoughts off of rationale and past experience, I compared him to those. I ran the numbers of what was likely and highly unlikely, and I had to choose was a potential good memory worth exploring if it did process out the potential of hurt. Please believe that I took in consideration that not one thought of mine or any promise for him would guarantee any one thing. Neither of us have that power in this life.

I regretted the choices I had made already to get my head, heart and soul into its current state from all that surrounded me. The thought of potentially placing myself in another hurtful place made me shake. It made me quiver. It made me slide back into my shell, back into myself. Ideally I don’t trust people, I call myself intentionally observing behaviors so that I can identify when those are off. And for the first time in my life I feel like I may have done that a little too much to my own demise. I’ve marched and drum to a beat that is filled with caution. This now is all I know.

So what I figured out and want to share today is solely this, you can not be free if you live in fear of what could happen. If you live in the hurt. If you live in falsely set expectations. We do not know our number, we do not know what is left to come. By no means do I use this as an excuse to live foolishly, but I do encourage us to live with less limitations…HELL YES! Be you. Be true to you. Be honest with you. And just fucking live! I may have lost a friend that was more well placed in that position because I ran off a highly toxic mixture of fear and irrationality. I’m not taking the blame, but I’m encouraging us all to own our part.

So the best advice I can give is to not syke yourself out with fear, all we have is the 24 hours we are in now. Do the things that make your heart scream and your soul speak. You could hurt yourself walking down the street, you could hurt yourself by entrusting the wrong friend, or loving the wrong man….all things are possible so being scared that it will happen or could happen is paralyzing you from learning or seeing something beautiful that you might actually need. ✌🏾

Live Fearlessly 😘

Advertisements

Freedom 

I normally don’t do this too often but when I seen this picture I cried. So here’s the realist throwback Thursday you’ll ever witness from me. 

Most people would describe me as carefree and generally positive with my outlook on day to day life. It’s definitely a learned behavior. I have seen and experienced some of the worst shit, and one could say I didn’t deserve most of it. However I’m not a victim. Here’s a little story…..This photo is from four weeks after my 22nd birthday and also from getting out of the hospital from 3rd and 4th degree burns all over my body. Victim of circumstance from dealing with a man with demons infested in his soul. Most importantly though, this is also the moment that taught me to follow my gut with anyone and anything, as well as myself. 

I laid in that hospital for one week after having surgery, family and friends visited. I honestly can say that anyone that stepped in that hospital room to visit me or even my nurses, they all had a purpose and played a major part in my recovery mentally.  

One person in particular, that made me understand my fight….that was my granny. My grandmother dealt with a lot of physical ailments, and at this particular time she had an oxygen tank she had to carry around with her. And the last time I talked to her, she told me she wanted to come but probably wouldn’t due to this. I’m not selfish by far but the one person I knew that would come and comfort me during a moment in my life that’s filed in the horrible shit folder, it was always her. So I was sad at the thought of her not being there, but I understood so I didn’t push. 

Well she came anyway knowing she shouldn’t have. She sat in the chair next to my bed and just stared at me for a moment, and then looked away. She was quiet. And then she spoke life into me. I remember her telling me that I have a testimony and I couldn’t keep running from that purpose. She told me to fight. She told me to love myself. I felt her energy. 

Because of the positioning of said burns I had to go through therapy and train my leg to walk again. With my mom by my side I walked, I cried and was in so much pain but I walked. 

The pain didn’t stop there. 

I remember the day I left that hospital and having to try and walk in the house, I’ve never cried out of pain so much in my life. I couldn’t get up on my own. There was a friend of my brother that was there and she had experienced a situation like mine but worst, she hugged me and prayed with me. I felt comfort in her arms because regardless of so many saying how sorry they were to hear my experience, she KNEW the physical and mental pain I was going through. She knew the battle that would continue to come. 

I’ve always been headstrong and determined for what I want. So….every day after that I fought. I fought to be at peace. I fought to stay sane. I fought to not be bitter. I fought to just come out of that and just be still…..to just be me, completely. 

I have scars on my arms, my entire stomach is completely scarred and the back of my entire left leg is scarred from the skin grafts. Everyday looking at that was like hell for me, I was so self conscious. I was ashamed. 

Well fast forward a month and on this day of that picture above, it was my first outing with some family/friends. I had owned that yellow dress for a year and never wore it. I made up in my mind right at that moment, I was going to that day. It showed a piece of my stomach, my arms and my legs. EVERY place a scar existed was exposed. 

My mom cried when she saw me in that dress; I wasn’t a mother then so I didn’t quite get it. Then she quickly stopped and smiled, she said I looked cute. I just laughed a little and I walked out the door and got in the car with my brother. 

I felt so scared. I felt so helpless. I felt ugly. I felt hurt. I felt like everybody that seen me would stare. I was uncomfortable. I second guessed my decision. On the way to our destination, my brother stopped and picked up a family friend. I had about five minutes to sit in the car by myself, and all these feelings and thoughts swirled in my head. 

I asked, God why?

Then I looked out the window and seen the sun setting and the sky was so serene. One of the most beautiful times in my mind, I can still see it so vividly. I looked in the mirror and smiled back at my reflection. 

  • I chose to love me that day. 

I chose to not care what anyone thought of me or my scars. I knew my heart and I knew my intent in dealing with anyone in my life, I would no longer go out of my way to prove that. I became me!! I accepted me, the imperfectly perfect and flawed creature that the heavens created. 

A few years later after I had my first son, who had some complications at birth. I had just left the hospital from being with him and headed to my moms house. On this particular day, my mom finally told me why she cried when she seen me in that dress. She said when she saw me in that dress she knew I was a fighter and strong willed. She knew that I had chose to love me and in that moment she was proud of me for being so boldly myself! She knew that I was being molded to fight for a purpose. 

Sitting here today and coming across this picture today, I cried. And cried even harder in saying all of this. As a mother of two young men, I can only imagine how my parents felt watching me go through that. But I’m not crying out of sadness or hurt right now!! I’m crying out of joy and the grace that has kept me to become the woman I am today. Gaining the knowledge and wisdom of loving myself first! Loving myself was the key for me to love on others so genuinely. 

Acknowledging the favor I’ve had and continue to receive, I spend most of my days speaking life into others because I know what it feels like to feel lost and empty. I know what it feels like to be alone in a room full of people. I give away my path as a token of wisdom to those who come across me. Woman, man, boy or girl……I give. I give not to show off or to think I know more, but to inspire and exchange energy.

The biggest thing that I’ve ever been thankful for in life is growth, the good…the bad and the uglier. I’m thankful for it all. 

But I’m especially thankful for the FREEDOM of not letting any interaction, circumstance or pain dictate my vantage point!  I’ve survived too much to let evil and negativity manifest my destiny! 
Be positive. Be happy. 

Happy living 🙌🏾