The next few blogs I post on this topic will be very transparent of my own life experiences and the absolute truths I’ve found. As always I hope it helps somebody.
As a black woman, I got to experience a mini retreat this past week with three older women in my family. We had so many discussions of self love, self healing and self awareness. We prayed, laughed and ate, we ate a lot. It was one of the most emotional and moving experiences of my life.
I posted a meme I saw on Instagram that stated, “the hardest role I ever had to play was dumb”. This topic was on the table, not directly as literally being dumb but in the sense of us being molded as women to live only to love.
We search out men to fill our inner voids and to hopefully have the “ultimate goal” of a woman; job, man, kids, wedding, love. And when it comes to the work or the pathway to obtain these things, we are also taught to be more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. We are taught to accept what is given to a degree, because that’s just “how it is”. We all agreed this is an inaccurate way of thinking being passed down and also acknowledged that our mothers, their mothers and the mothers before…only gave us what they knew in the essence of just dealing.
Dealing is not healing.
We have to accept that just keeping on keeping on, as we all do, is not healing. It’s masking the pain, hurt and disappointment. In my own personal journey, I lost so many things in the span of two months it put me in a funk of such intensity I had never experienced anything like it.
There were days I could not get out of bed, I would put my phone in airplane mode to not be bothered. Then in the moments I would self reflect, all of these past burdens started to re-emerge. All this past hurt started to seep in and undeniably made the darkness spiral harder. I had to acknowledge that since I “dealt with it”, it was still subconsciously driving my choices years later. And with all the right ingredients, it all started to resurface.
One major point is that even in just this small acceptance, I still searched out to certain broken people….attempting to fix them. How could I? Honestly. I had not even acknowledged I was not healed.
Let me repeat. Dealing is not healing.
I may have said to some, “oh I forgave you” or “I’m over that”. But I really and genuinely never took the time to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not trusting myself enough. Forgive myself for not valuing my own self enough. Forgiving myself for intentionally playing the role of “dumb” in an attempt to find what was sold to me as a black woman’s dream. Forgiving myself for not loving myself enough.
You know preachers and elders tell us all the time, “forgive them, not for them but for you”. Let me go ahead and call a 50% that’s bullshit card. There is some truth to it, I’ll admit. But when was the last time someone told you to forgive yourself? And the absolute importance of that on the actual road to healing.
All situations are different you may not have done anything more than been in the wrong place at the wrong time and then unfortunately introduced to a traumatic experience. You may have just chosen the wrong job. The wrong suitor. Hell you may have just been born into the “wrong” environment and family. Beloved forgive yourself for those things you had no control over. Forgive yourself for the negative thoughts and newly found natural defense responses from the trauma. Forgive yourself for allowing them the power over your true being.
The hardest roles that exist in this life is journeying to really love yourself. The hardest role is living a life full of defense mechanisms and masks. No experience you have went through thus far, did someone come straight out and ask you to be dumb; you were just in a place of filling something missing inside yourself.
Accept that you will have to do the work and that no outside entity will ever fill that. Also forgive yourself for all the false beliefs existing in your mind, spirit and heart. You are merely just a bystander of generational curses that you have yet to acknowledge.
The first absolute truth I will leave you with, no love other than self love and no action other than self healing will ever be good enough to fill the void. Forgive yourself.