Accountability, Black Women, Empowerment, Generational Curse, Inspirational, Life, Self Love

Dealing is not healing.

The next few blogs I post on this topic will be very transparent of my own life experiences and the absolute truths I’ve found. As always I hope it helps somebody.

As a black woman, I got to experience a mini retreat this past week with three older women in my family. We had so many discussions of self love, self healing and self awareness. We prayed, laughed and ate, we ate a lot. It was one of the most emotional and moving experiences of my life.

I posted a meme I saw on Instagram that stated, “the hardest role I ever had to play was dumb”. This topic was on the table, not directly as literally being dumb but in the sense of us being molded as women to live only to love.

We search out men to fill our inner voids and to hopefully have the “ultimate goal” of a woman; job, man, kids, wedding, love. And when it comes to the work or the pathway to obtain these things, we are also taught to be more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. We are taught to accept what is given to a degree, because that’s just “how it is”. We all agreed this is an inaccurate way of thinking being passed down and also acknowledged that our mothers, their mothers and the mothers before…only gave us what they knew in the essence of just dealing.

Dealing is not healing.

We have to accept that just keeping on keeping on, as we all do, is not healing. It’s masking the pain, hurt and disappointment. In my own personal journey, I lost so many things in the span of two months it put me in a funk of such intensity I had never experienced anything like it.

There were days I could not get out of bed, I would put my phone in airplane mode to not be bothered. Then in the moments I would self reflect, all of these past burdens started to re-emerge. All this past hurt started to seep in and undeniably made the darkness spiral harder. I had to acknowledge that since I “dealt with it”, it was still subconsciously driving my choices years later. And with all the right ingredients, it all started to resurface.

One major point is that even in just this small acceptance, I still searched out to certain broken people….attempting to fix them. How could I? Honestly. I had not even acknowledged I was not healed.

Let me repeat. Dealing is not healing.

I may have said to some, “oh I forgave you” or “I’m over that”. But I really and genuinely never took the time to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not trusting myself enough. Forgive myself for not valuing my own self enough. Forgiving myself for intentionally playing the role of “dumb” in an attempt to find what was sold to me as a black woman’s dream. Forgiving myself for not loving myself enough.

You know preachers and elders tell us all the time, “forgive them, not for them but for you”. Let me go ahead and call a 50% that’s bullshit card. There is some truth to it, I’ll admit. But when was the last time someone told you to forgive yourself? And the absolute importance of that on the actual road to healing.

All situations are different you may not have done anything more than been in the wrong place at the wrong time and then unfortunately introduced to a traumatic experience. You may have just chosen the wrong job. The wrong suitor. Hell you may have just been born into the “wrong” environment and family. Beloved forgive yourself for those things you had no control over. Forgive yourself for the negative thoughts and newly found natural defense responses from the trauma. Forgive yourself for allowing them the power over your true being.

The hardest roles that exist in this life is journeying to really love yourself. The hardest role is living a life full of defense mechanisms and masks. No experience you have went through thus far, did someone come straight out and ask you to be dumb; you were just in a place of filling something missing inside yourself.


Accept that you will have to do the work and that no outside entity will ever fill that. Also forgive yourself for all the false beliefs existing in your mind, spirit and heart. You are merely just a bystander of generational curses that you have yet to acknowledge.

The first absolute truth I will leave you with, no love other than self love and no action other than self healing will ever be good enough to fill the void. Forgive yourself.

Accountability, Black Women, Circumstance, Empowerment, Family, Inspirational, Life, Uncategorized

Everybody does not deserve to know you….

I was judged recently and it was one of the most infuriating experiences I‚Äôve ever had in life. I was called materialistic, lazy, an opportunist and I was using my child’s father for his money ūü§≠

Man I was ready to let these people have it. Like guns a blazing. These things were conjured up by a group of people that never really knew me. It took me the entire drive over to his house to remember this key point.

I pulled up to the meeting and I never said a word.

I remembered I was never present to hear these things in the first place. Nor were any of them repeated or would they ever be to me personally. This was just a group of people that never took the chance to know me and never deserved me giving the opportunity. His family.

I know that sounds harsh. On the surface at least. But honestly, I’ve never been disrespectful to them. During our time together, I never once did anything out of character or “acted a fool”. They had never seen an argument between us. They really never seen us interact honestly. I was just the girl he lived with for 5 years, who had a child from a previous relationship and I guess “needed a come up” in their eyes. The thing about that is, I was more established than him in every facet of life.

So it boils down to one simple question. Why give it energy?

They seen a presentation of me that fit a general mode for “girls”. She likes to keep her hair done. She likes to keep her nails done. She likes to look nice. Blah blah blah. Simplistic surface level stuff right. Not acknowledging I legit was a woman who created her own lifestyle and footed the bill for it every step of the way. New car, I bought that. New hair, I did it myself. Paid my own bills. I cooked. I cleaned. I was a mother to my two boys. I didn’t spend frivolously. Didn’t take elaborate vacations. I did what I was suppose to as an adult. Responsibly.

When you come from nothing and raised predominately with men….as a woman, I knew I had to be in charge. I knew I had to be my own head. Because I could never be the girls I seen them with. I could never wait on the hand of a man. I’m too free spirited for that and no man can afford to give me the feeling that I receive by satisfying my own needs. I’m not speaking to the “overly independent don’t need a man lifestyle”, but the I can make it in this world by myself because my life is very much just that….MINE. I am responsible for looking in the mirror and being ok with my mark on this earth. And a man taking care of me, just isn’t on the list.

However with the right level of genuine care, anyone would be able to see beyond the surface; they would have been able to see that the young man I met, turned into a fully able adult during our relationship. As well as it did not come at the expense of him “taking care of me”; as it wasn’t until almost 4 years into the relationship he actually began to make more money than me. Which mattered not because we did everything as a team. As adults should, ya know. The vision that we grew together and built a life for our kids that meant something. We had a partnership.

I always wondered what was it about me that made them standoffish. What actions or words did I use that made me less than in their eyes. It took a little while for me to understand it wasn’t me, it was them. I started to remember the countless conversations I was privy to about the prospects of his brother. The shady ins and outs of what they would say or do, but yet smile and nod to every single girl as if she was the only. It clicked. But honestly, family being one of the most important things to me, I struggled with coming to terms with them just not taking a liking to me. It was a childhood flaw of fixing something I was missing.

My character isn‚Äôt perfect. I‚Äôm vulgar. I‚Äôm over the top. I‚Äôm obnoxious at times. However, I have never had a damn thing handed to me in life. I‚Äôve fought to keep the bare minimum. I had many of hungry nights growing up. I grew up in a volatile environment. I grew up gang affiliated. Could have lost my life a few times. Might a caused some people to almost lose theirs. Struggled in finding my way until a point. I worked hard for everything my entire life yet I’d still give the shirt off my back to help them or anyone for that matter. See that is God’s grace in knowing who you are and never letting a soul change that.

See once I took in to account my actual faith, my actual worth and that vital grace I’ve grown to manifest in my daily life. When I arrived to that house that day, I was able to see it at work. I was able to save my energy for the things that mattered. No matter what I said, what “facts” I presented….they had made their choice to be who they are with me and anyone else for that matter. There was no saving because there was nothing to be saved.


Its so much bigger than just that set of people. People have their own bias, their own defense mechanisms and their own struggles which all in all lead to their formed perception. It is not your job to prove them right or wrong. When you walk in your authentic self daily, som will love you and some will hate you. But why would you dare give someone else the power to make you feel the need to defend yourself or fight for truth, why? Why fight for and with someone else’s ignorance?

At the end of the day, you have to know who you are and what you stand for. You have to know who deserves your energy. Who deserves your presence. Who deserves to know you and be at peace with the fact EVERYBODY DOES NOT DESERVE TO KNOW YOU!

Black love, Black Men, Black Women, Change, Circumstance, Empowerment, Generational Curse, Inspirational, Life, Random, Society, Uncategorized

Soul Ties

The funny thing about life is that you never know who, why or what; or how it can be flipped upside down in a short span of time. And I recently had to accept what I couldn’t change and truly give up my anger and gather my power……

Let me paint a picture for y’all
I was randomly looking for a receipt for something. I rummaged through my email and I ran across a specific email. It had no relevance but popped in the search results for some reason. After that, I took the time to relive a moment in time that was bitter sweet. This song by Bishop Briggs (feel the way I do) popped on. I cried a good hour in my car, on my lunch. The words, good and bad, that I just took in. It touched me in a way that I didn’t think was possible. Especially not on this day. Not after this amount of time. One could say easily, hate and anger should consume me from this particular moment in life.

But that’s when I realized…it didn’t. And I had to really swallow a few things.
We ended before we started; we got, what most would take years to experience. We just completed it in such a short time. It was a world-wind and the pure definition of a soul-tie. This bond is indescribable in a way. There was no resolve. There was no closure. There was a wall. A wall we both took time to build and swear to never relive.

This song is now one of my favorites because it helped me relinquish some things that needed their freedom.

I had to accept more recently that my forgiveness of him, came from a willing and natural exchange of energy between us. A piece in which I gave access to very few people, if any honestly. In hindsight, I had to be thankful that I experienced this….the magnitude of emotion and care, not through touch but through words and interaction. To also accept the love I had found in my soul and that the true entrance to my soul is a gateway and path built through the loops and turns of my mind. He wasn’t my enemy. I just gave him more of me than I really knew on the surface level.
We are who we are, but you also have to accept the beauty even when we aren’t. The beauty of a connection in the metaphysical is rare and dangerous, but addicting to a degree.

The sad part is that I may have lost a friend… that if things done over, could have been great. This may be the worst part of emotional intelligence, it’s an after the fact thing. You realize a flaw after the stain is left on you.

The biggest misconception is that a soul tie is a soul mate, or that a soul mate is a life partner in the sense of an intimate relationship. Sometimes it’s simply a friend. We just have to learn when and where the lines should not cross and how to keep it healthy. If that feeling of love was created from the purity of your soul, it should be unconditional. Which means even when a person isn’t what you want them to be, you love them through it regardless of a title or standing in their life. Especially when it’s a tie that is held by the both of you.

But most importantly….

Be careful of who you expose your soul to. ‚úĆūüŹĹ

Accountability, Black love, Black Men, Black Women, Change, Circumstance, Feminist, Inspirational, Life, Random, Society, Uncategorized

Fear is deadly.

He made me laugh. He was attentive. He was cute. He was caring. He listened. Even before knowing everything, he was quick to say stop being unhappy. It didn’t hurt that he knew how to touch me properly.

I can’t say I loved him, I hadn’t known him long enough. However I did care. I wanted to see him everyday. I wanted to talk. I wanted to flirt. I wanted to smile. I wanted him to be my happy place.

Then reality hit and I was actually so unhappy in the place that I was in. I was so drained from sadness and what I thought as settling that I settled for his half step. I knew we couldn’t be more, so there wasn’t judgement on this part. But I also knew I couldn’t let my guard down. I knew I couldn’t trust him anymore than I could people of my past, as well as the person of my present. But I also knew I couldn’t give him the time because the fear that he would turn sour just like an apple shortly after being cut. It wouldn’t take long. I’m trying not to judge. I’m trying not to be too rash. I can’t change what I digested and how I feel now. Now mind you when I say I know or knew, these are things I’ve felt as we had not had enough interaction to base this on experience.

I’ve always been an all or nothing type of girl, I don’t have a clue what in between means. So I don’t ever want to be mad or loving on a man that doesn’t belong to me and has higher potential to never be. I don’t want to grow to love a man that would never love me. It is on my top ten terrified moments list. One could assume that I’ll forever be single then, I’ve accepted that as highly likely in this lifetime of mine. So on and so on…were as the day was filled with sadness and a uneasy feeling for me, I was reminded that he was ok….this was his life and my feelings were just a casualty of his war fare. It’s still not his fault and I wouldn’t dare blame him.

The saddest part of this story is that no matter how illogical this seemed my heart and my body wanted him. The small amount of na√Įvet√© that remained in my soul wanted there to be a purpose or a reason that I radiated to him. I want so badly for there to be a reason, more or less a purpose that we crossed paths. Out of all the faces I met, all the places I visited, there was this man that I met that had my soul on fire. The feeling of angst like a kid, being the first thought when I wake up….these are things that I hadn’t felt in so long. They were all things that I needed and wanted to feel way longer than I knew him.

I would have love to blame the sex, but that wasn’t it. It was great, don’t get me wrong. In all honesty that was our first date, sex. Yep, not going to skate around it like it wasn’t the purpose. But I knew it went from being just that, because I wanted to take the time to know him. It appeared to be the same. Just wanting to be in his presence so that I could tip toe through his mind and see what foundation was there.

Then I remembered I was a woman, a hurt woman. A confused woman. I was more willing to hurt myself than to let another man get the best of me. At this very moment I had to accept I was broken and I lived under a mask. Every adjective someone used to describe me, weak was never included. Neither was vulnerable. But those were the things I actually felt, include lost on that list too. See this wasn’t a matter of us being together or dating for a while and me weighing options, this was a two month span that I was terrified of watching unfold. I was terrified that I would let him in and he didn’t agree. Or he didn’t reciprocate whatever was to come. I was just shit brick little girl scared to venture away from what I had known. I based my thoughts off of rationale and past experience, I compared him to those. I ran the numbers of what was likely and highly unlikely, and I had to choose was a potential good memory worth exploring if it did process out the potential of hurt. Please believe that I took in consideration that not one thought of mine or any promise for him would guarantee any one thing. Neither of us have that power in this life.

I regretted the choices I had made already to get my head, heart and soul into its current state from all that surrounded me. The thought of potentially placing myself in another hurtful place made me shake. It made me quiver. It made me slide back into my shell, back into myself. Ideally I don’t trust people, I call myself intentionally observing behaviors so that I can identify when those are off. And for the first time in my life I feel like I may have done that a little too much to my own demise. I’ve marched and drum to a beat that is filled with caution. This now is all I know.

So what I figured out and want to share today is solely this, you can not be free if you live in fear of what could happen. If you live in the hurt. If you live in falsely set expectations. We do not know our number, we do not know what is left to come. By no means do I use this as an excuse to live foolishly, but I do encourage us to live with less limitations…HELL YES! Be you. Be true to you. Be honest with you. And just fucking live! I may have lost a friend that was more well placed in that position because I ran off a highly toxic mixture of fear and irrationality. I’m not taking the blame, but I’m encouraging us all to own our part.

So the best advice I can give is to not syke yourself out with fear, all we have is the 24 hours we are in now. Do the things that make your heart scream and your soul speak. You could hurt yourself walking down the street, you could hurt yourself by entrusting the wrong friend, or loving the wrong man….all things are possible so being scared that it will happen or could happen is paralyzing you from learning or seeing something beautiful that you might actually need. ‚úĆūüŹĺ

Live Fearlessly ūüėė

Life, Random

Enough of The Deep End

Often times introverts are considered to be anti-social, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. ¬† While there are periods of time introverts prefer to be alone and in quiet areas, social interactions are definitely things we are interested in. ¬† It’s just harder to convince yourself you’ll have a good time when there are so many unknown factors. ¬†I’ve compared social interactions to swimming in a large body of water. ¬†I can do it, but after a while my social muscles get tired and I want nothing more ¬†than to hop out of the pool and rest. ¬†There’s no specific formula to how long I can spend in a social environment, but there are some factors that affect it. ¬†For the sake of keeping with the water¬†theme I’ll call these factors Flotation devices-people/things that make it possible to stay comfortable in social situations longer, and anchors-people/things that make it more difficult to remain comfortable in social situations. ¬† If you’re someone that can get an introvert to go out with relative ease let me say congratulations to you, because you are most certainly a flotation device!!! ¬†Right now you may be thinking about an introverted friend and asking yourself “Am I a flotation device or an anchor?” ¬† Well, time and observation are the only ways you can determine where you stand in the social experience on an introvert, but I’m going to give you a few signs that indicate an introvert is done with a social event.

The fake smile

Often times an introvert will put honest effort to not leave social environments because it’s hard to tell when we’ve put forth the right amount of effort to satisfy our social obligation, but when we’ve hit our limit, the ‘fake it till you make it’ kicks in hard. ¬†If your look lingers for a moment after a fake smile you might see the “done” look.


The phone obsession

Now this one can be tricky because most people take a moment in social environments, but here’s the difference……There aren’t any selfies, there aren’t any funny laughs and hand gestures to show other people what just made you laugh. ¬†There’s a blank stare and scrolling and that’s it. ¬†stock-photo-dressing-in-a-light-orange-short-sleeve-v-neck-shirt-jeans-and-leather-sneakers-a-young-handsome-169194425

The distant stare

Similar to the stare into a phone screen, a large number of introverts are also able to lose themselves in their own brains. ¬†You’ll see this more often in introverts who also have ADHD. ¬†I myself get lost in writing stories in my head to keep my attention when I’m over people. ¬†These stories can range from science fiction to erotic fiction depending on where my headspace is.

Distant stare

There are truly so many ways to tell when an introvert is done with a situation, but these are some of my most used tells. ¬†None of the tells matter without one critical piece, and I’ll tell you that critical piece at the end of the post. ¬†Depending on the reaction received when introverts say we want to leave, we will try to stick it out until we are literally miserable. ¬†So please be kind to your introvert friend and tell us¬†“it’s okay to leave” and watch our eyes light up. ¬†Remember that you going home early equals the same amount of effort and sacrifice made by an introvert to come out at all. ¬†So next time instead of complaining about us leaving early, lean over and say¬†¬†“Let’s get out of here and go¬†have a quiet rest of the night.” ¬†You may see a reaction close to something out of a cartoon.


Oh….the secret key to knowing when we’ve had enough is to pay attention! ¬†Let your gaze linger after a smile, listen for the subtle tones that tell you we’re trying but we’re tired, and if all else fails ask us how we feel and be okay if we say we want to leave. ¬†That’s what makes you the real MVP!

Accountability, Change, Circumstance, Empowerment, Generational Curse, Inspirational, Life, Random, Society, Uncategorized


Frag-ile (adjective)

(of a person) not strong or sturdy; delicate or vulnerable.

You do understand it’s ok to be fragile? If not, are you superman or superwoman? Is your heart built of steel? Are you completely impenetrable of pain or hurt?

The thing about this word is that it is synonymous¬†with weak, so there for in some sick twisted way we fight to prove or make an impression that it isn’t something we are or can be! But, my beloveds we have to learn on this path, there will always be a moment of fragility, of vulnerability, of tired, of gloom. Do not run or hide from this. Do not be ashamed and throat-check¬†any and everyone that makes you feel as if you should be.

I’ll tell you my today and you take what you need from it. If anything at all, take that you aren’t alone.

At all times of my day, I am the rock. I am the center, I am the guard, I am the goalie. As we have previously discussed, I enjoy it so no complaints. However, we have to be clear when you are all those things to everyone, it is so desperate and important for you to keep your alignment and energy in check. If not you will be drowned by the sound of everyone’s pain.

I know this!


Yes! I do.

But what I had to admit to myself is that I am still fragile. I had to say that shit aloud. I had to own it. I had to cry and smile while still maintaining the ambiance of my home, the openness to my friends and family, the fixer of whatever and be super mom. There was one interaction with one person that spiraled my day and it was only 9 a.m., I was unhappy. I was screaming. I was in need of my personal rescue. Other than this, I’m still in search of what that one thing is. And that’s ok, this is a marathon, not a sprint. The point is that somehow I sat here lost and looking for something that I know we all can only give ourselves.


See everyone’s first answer is to tell you to be thankful, be grateful. “It’ll be ok, you woke up”, they say. This may have some truth in it, but it’s not what’s needed. And its ok for you to say thank you but no thanks to surface level ass advice. If you have to demand the time to take care of yourself, DO IT! If you have to make a few people unhappy because you chose your own happiness over theirs, DO IT! I use to walk on eggshells with this person, I catered and cut off any and everything that made them feel any type of uneasiness…to give some sick sense of gratification in my pain. Because of certain titles in life, you think or have this innate feeling that is what you are supposed to do. It wasn’t until today that I saw that in its true form and understood the barriers in my life that were created because of this. Now we all have our own story and our own demons or fears or worries. None greater than the next, but all still special and meaningful in their own right. The curveball? Learning and using your own power to stand over whatever those barriers are. Take your power back. Own the past, present and what is to come!

The curveball? Learning and using your own power to stand over whatever those barriers are, isn’t easy and takes work. But for you, you must take your power back. Own the past, present and what is to come!

AND love on you first and foremost! 

Without you, those around you or the space you work towards building will fall. So today isn’t about what I can do to inspire in its entirety but what I can receive out of this energy. What change can I make to be better tomorrow? Hell, what can I do that is self-defining within the next hour? What will make the foundation stronger? I’m quite sure there will be many of times we all see a fragile or vulnerable state again. It’s life but…..if I can give you anything, this shit takes work every day and you have to live it intentionally until it’s done subconsciously.

If euphoria was easily attainable, we still wouldn’t have it because it would be too expensive for our reach.

Now we must create our own!


Black Men, Black Women, Change, Circumstance, Empowerment, Family, Inspirational, Life, Random, Society, Uncategorized

Living in the moment….

Honestly….Truly, do you understand the meaning of living in the moment? When you speak your ideal, what does it sound like out loud? Would you be able to explain this in a crowded room? Would you be able to walk what it is you are talking? You would have to know a lot of my experiences to understand my outlook, but without giving you that right at this moment catch this work, please….

I personally do not believe we live in the moment enough! My definition? To live in the moment is to embrace each moment or encounter as if it will be the last. Now if anyone of my generation or older is reading this, you would say this is actually the problem of society with the lacking of responsibilities or ambition, that is NOT what I’m¬†speaking of and a whole nother conversation to be had. I am solely speaking to those overwhelmed souls right now or somebody searching for a new road to happy.

We continuously¬†go from day to day thinking of what is expected of us, never once going over what we expect of ourselves. We stress and worry so much that we become robots, forgetting our soul’s necessity to embrace the day before us. It’s a constant cycle of not being good enough. Not doing great, enough. The disappointments of expectations not falling through. Maybe, it’s financial or social, hell it could be family. The interactions we have with other walking strangers or those closest to us, draining all the energy that we hadn’t charged up enough for. The job you hate. The kids, the house, and the dog. The mediocrity and melancholy you feel in solitude, covered by a smile in passing. Your shoulders pressed by the weight of whatever that plague may be. I’ve been there, I understand it all very well. But…..

I NEED YOU TO KNOW….all of the things that may be taking a toll or feeling like a brick is actually very minuscule¬†to the weight and worth of your entire existence. Ride with me for a second.

On the entire scale of where or what your life is right now, YOU have the most control. Everything and everyone belong¬†to their own specific role; these are your constants and variables of this equation of life. Let’s keep in mind,¬†always, that you are a constant beloved AND your job is to appropriately place the things in your life in the appropriate category. As long as the blessing of our eyes opening and energies not being recycled is given, we have the most power imaginable. So with that being said your first steps to finding your inner joy, will be truly embracing every encounter and interaction as its first and last experience while walking through your day. Manifest the energy you want to be, the energy you want to spread, the happiness you want to see. Enjoy the dark just as great as the light. Never be afraid to be, do or say what is necessary for you to be the happiest you. Now I am not preaching self-indulgence but a more proactive self-love credo. It is completely oh-fucking-kay to use your enjoyment or benefit or want or need as the reason why you will or will not partake in anything.

See my joy has always come from building others up, very randomly and short lived do I get the same. I chose, to be honest with myself in the discovery phase, that was ok with me. Because in watching someone come to me with an issue and smile walking away feeling half an inch more empowered than before, actually empowers me. My problems are my own and if you choose to be solution oriented then it’s hella easier to be happy. Now understand that when I say “solution oriented”, you do have to understand that sometimes the solution is actually, nothing. Do nothing, say nothing, leave that shhh right where it is and when it happened (AKA variable). See when your actions become purely motivated off of anything other than want or will, it becomes a task. You will never embrace the day or the energy if it is only a task. Say the word “task” aloud, it sounds horrible right? A task is a job. A task is stressful. IF my life’s journey is a task, my outlook would¬†mimic a room of death.

Remember I never claimed to have all the answers, and some things may take more time than others. But what I can say is that you have time; be bigger than what you can not control or change (AKA constant). However, in its entirety, you can never miss what you never had and you will never learn what you do not seek to find.

So long story short folks, just go out and embrace the day for what it is, not what it could have been or what you wished it was. Just look at the sky and watch the clouds move, take your shoes off and soak up some of the energy from this earth. Be the greatest you FOR you imaginable.

Because when you close your eyes tonight, only you will hear those thoughts and only you will have the power to change them!

Happy living folks!

*Disclaimer* Never forget everything I say is solely the ideas and perspective, it works for me and with some tweaking and changes, it really could work for anyone.