Angry Black Girl

You know what?!! 

She gets hungry. She gets sleepy. She gets tired. She gets happy. She feels accomplished. She feels let down. She feels appreciated. She feels empowered. She is just she. And sometimes she gets sad. 

Quit putting “her” in the box when you see her. Quit thinking because she didn’t jump for joy at your first encounter she doesn’t know what joy is. Quit with the idea that she’s broken. 

JUST FUCKING STOP! 

She wants to be free. She wants to be able to live like anyone else. She wants to be able to smile or frown, laugh or scream or cuss, without you automatically thinking she has no brain or is some hood chick full of dismay. She could write you a thousand word essay without one cuss word or colloquialism, but what does that really say? She’s uneducated or you’re just a simpleton? 

JUST FUCKING STOP ALREADY!?!!

She’s  extremely tired of being told that She can’t be tired! As if She doesn’t have enough work on her back, Nope she must still fight and push through. 

She has to work all day, take care of the kids, family or whoever needs her. Be pretty at the eye of any and every man. Speak with grace and walk with pride. Sexiness must exude from her eyes. No pain can show in her face. No attitude or she’ll be labeled a disgrace. She can’t say no. She can’t express her uneasy feeling of how this is cheating. Nope. She must smile. Smile through it all. 

THIS IS SO FUCKED UP!?! 

I hate the stereotype of “angry black woman”!! A woman with an opinion that just so happens to be black, is not ANGRY!!! She’s just a person, like you. 

You know what? She is me, she is you, she is her, her, her and her! She is even a he at times. She just wants to make the best out of this lonely world. She just wants to make the sun shine for her, you and I. She wants peace. Peace of mind. And a piece. A piece of pride, a piece of love, a piece of worth, a piece of importance! 

Got damn she’s a beast. She needs to be soothed. She needs to not be taught that she will have to do all the works of the world. She can be a little girl. She can laugh. She can play. She can be anything except THE ANGRY BLACK GIRL. 

We really need love….

So today I had an epiphany.

You could count on me writing “All we need is love” five times (at least) randomly on some piece of paper at my desk. It’s like a random quote that is engraved in my heart. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why as soon as a pen was in my hand…it just flowed so easily, so unintentionally.

Then I had a two part assholish and inspiniring conversation with a friend. We talked of career and life goals, the repetitive injustice of another innocent black man being killed, the stereotypes of black women, and my kids getting on my nerves. Lol. In a nutshell, I learned and had to state some of my own bias and prejudice, out loud. Yep.

I had to own my shit!!!

I had to own that when I go out and I see a majority of black men is SA dating or married to a woman of any race but his own, it boiled my skin. But it boiled my skin in different levels, depending on each race. I had to own that when I go out I intentionally give extra effort to come off as the not so angry black woman, which is quite ridiculous when you say that shit out loud. I had to own that I have grown to dislike white people, all of them, even the ones I know may stand next to me in the heat of battle to fight for my slain and endangered brothers and sisters. This shit was heavy to own. Even after we hung up, I still pondered on. I had added extra space in between me and people that I say I love because they are white and silent. Hell I even perversely am quite shady and a bit slanted at the eyes with people I know are down and are vocal as hell.

But I was most importantly left wondering when the fuck did I become so jaded??

I didn’t just wake up to this, it took some growth and nurturing to be this way. I wasn’t formed this way in my upbringing. I honestly didn’t become this person until I entered into my late 20’s. I’ve always had an eclectic group of people I called friends, I’ve always been the one to never judge or criticize another’s life due to who or what they love…until now. Now I’m such a bias, prejudice asshole! But I have to say I have had some mighty damn good help getting here.

The way I am treated as a black woman, the fact that while we are out…they will speak and smile to him, acknowledge him with a smile but I’m overlooked. I’m assumed to be angry til I prove myself otherwise. I’ve been in the room filled with white people and my ears are murdered by the screeching of white fragility, that wouldn’t have become present if another WHITE PERSON didn’t feel the need to say NIGGER randomly in the corner, all while me and my actual friend (you know the only reason I’m even here) are talking about cheese dip. Like how the fuck did we get here Bob?!?!? “Oh no I’m not racist, I’m just saying I don’t say that.” Ohhhhh you just so happen to have said it while the party is filled with every bit of only 2 black folk. Oh. Ok. I have received a phone call about how in 2015 my guy can’t be at a red light in Little Rock without a group of random white boys pulling up and screaming “fucking nigger” and “go back to where you came from”. He was in his truck minding his own nigger business though 😒

Ok. See when that last shit happened I was still graceful. I was able to pass the ignorance test white folk seem to like to subconsciously put black folk through. But today? I’m shaking. I’m scared. I’m scared of how long I will be in jail after kicking somebody in they got damn ass. I am just not here for it. My “everybody loves everybody” meter is out of fucking gas. I want to own my bias and prejudice, but before I can truly rise above it….I need others to own their shit too. The right type of owning it. Not any of that passive I know it’s wrong but let it still go on type of ish. Yeah you are right, i know what you might be thinking….I own my own actions and thoughts. However it’s psychologically proven we are creatures of habit and are statistically products of our environment. No that doesn’t mean if you were born into a crack infested project you will forever remain part of that cycle, however some of the shit you may have seen/heard may influence who you call a friend, brother, associate or wife or what you aspire to become or consider a productive being. It’s sticks to you unconsciously. Like how even though a young white man may have been raised in a home of full blown racists, he may not grow up into wearing the magical ghostly cape of, cowards, oops I mean of inbred assholes with a mission of hate….however that young white male may have subtle bias and prejudice, he may even go as far as to overcompensate by emerging himself in black culture. Well up until that one day Tyrone pisses him off beyond belief and then he hates all black people too. For life? For just a little while? Who knows. It’s inherently there to manifest.

This all must stop, because right now America is on its way to getting its 145,887,656,766,999 stitch in a wound that hasn’t been treated properly so it can not properly heal. There is an opening and desperate need for love. Real unconditional love. We all will never fully agree, we all will never fully understand each other, we all will walk differently in the same pair of shoes called life. But we all have to love each other just a little bit more. It’s fucked up. There is a major problem. But me creating hate in response to the hate I’ve received personally or watched, it isn’t gonna to solve a got damn thing. Just add more fuel to an everlasting fire that needs to be extinguished. Sooooo….

It starts from within. Own your shit. Then teach some shit to someone. B/c 

WE ALL NEED LOVE!!! 

Confused State of Black

One word. 

Beyonce 

Yep. You guessed it, ‘Formation’ is the cause of my confusion. Not the song. Not the visual. But the lack of drive it produced in black people versus the uproar it created for white america. Not all, but a whole helluva lot. 

The craziest thing to me, is I watch old documentaries and I see how when black folk had less rights and a gesture similar to Beyonce’s would have black folk feeling good, feeling great and on top of the world. Somehow because we have become ‘comfortable’ and complacent in our battle of rights…..this didn’t have that effect on the mass level it should have. 

I’m sure you have read multiple articles about her and how it just wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH. AND SOMEHOW we are masking this under some weird sick twist of black support yet claiming a sister of our own race is being a cultural appropriater in a sense because she’s not from New Orleans….cause she ain’t doing this or that. 

MAN IM SO SICK OF YOU SELF HATING FUCKERS!

No Beyonce is not our savior and no it wasn’t the deepest and most prophetic lyrics to the song. But she made her own statement that basically embodied the love of herself and who and what she is, her family..etc. We are so slaved and hateful mentally, we couldn’t get inspired. We couldn’t get up and let this just go in the books as a cultural landmark of change…..oh no. 

Love and support IS saying I see you sista! Love and support IS saying I stand beside you sista. 

Love and support is NOT “eh it ain’t that big of a deal”. Love and support is also NOT, “but why now? I mean why you wait this long?” 🙄 I mean does she really mean it tho? I mean but what else has she done? Blah blah blah. Nothing is supportive or even constructive about those things. 

There’s a disconnect here, we are choosing to judge rather than join. Our people lash out at someone who so boldly decided that they would make their own personal statement on what she loves about her people, while paying homage to a city that was forgotten under water for a few weeks by a white leader…to a group that was terrorized and yet made to be a terrorist group in white america, yep black panthers, also made it thirty times more clear, by including thirty black queens to join her and all in the month of ‘Black History’ celebration. 

We complain about tv not loving us enough, so she took one of the biggest platforms of our only month to show love…did we love and support her back?! HELL NO!! A million bloggers instantly tried to drag her, and justify it by calling it support but saying its not black enough at the same time. White Americans called it DISGUSTING, because she was so black in love. Yep that’s a big juicy contradiction. 

Starburst. 

It’s crazy how we side with the Master, and call it love. Smh. #SlaveMentality

Criticism versus Inspiration <<<— I say the visual should have sparked a flame, small or big. Most say it could be better. Flame not sparked I suppose. 

Malcolm was not Elijah, Huey and Bobby were not Eldridge, Farrakhan is not Jessie, Martin Luther was no Fred…..all are powerful names yet reached different sectors of our community but all can incite a different form of pride in our people. We vibrate and gravitate to the aspects of each person for different reasons, yet was any perfect or did any deliver a message just right? Absolutely not. Does that take away from their position? Hell no. 

If we took the time to truly criticize ourselves and what we send out in the manner we do to those who are publicly seen, our true contributions would be minimal and diluted by the inherented hate and white man produced feeling to not salute each other, just critics of what we have no experience. 

These famous people and their actions should only be inspiration and monarchs of the change you should feel in your spirit when it comes to the celebration of the pride of our people. We go back and forth to tear her down and what we NEED to do is reach out to see past HER, so you can see the you and I in her statement of loving our black.  Hopefully you love your blackness as well I do. 

These articles are NOT SUPPORTIVE, HELPFUL OR BLACK ON BLACK LOVE! 

But I digress! I can’t make yall drink this water. Free yourself family and get inspired. ✊🏾

I’m so sick of blurred lines

So as I lay in the bed, recovering from bronchitis/flu…I had absolutely nothing better to do than go thru Facebook in between my 7-8 hour sleep sessions. Well Huffpost – Black Voices created a video ok black love, nicely done might I add. A total of three things stuck out to me personally, one…a question, two the grand fact they added an lgbt lens to the topic (in the most normal visual ever) and lastly the grand debate of how the lgbt couple actually related to a straight couple 😳

Alright let’s go.

So the most enlightening portion of this video was when it pointed out that we don’t get to see positive black love that often. Sure you have the Huxtables or Rock and his wife, even Family Matters. But everything I just named was 90’s era….and they have been off since I was in junior high. It’s 2016 and the most we can rely on is Love and Hip Hop?! Ok really not really. But I’m reaching y’all, in hopes to show that aspect is missing from black culture. People always dig and say omg it’s an us not a race thing. However it’s easy to say that when you have been surrounded by surreal feelings and examples of what unity between man and woman is. And if any white or other race outside of black folk can tell me a black couple that inspired your love, I’m all ears. But I don’t want to die on waiting you to Google said couple nor will I accept this Beyonc-Jay, Will-Jada power couple shit either. 

Alright in all actuality two and three run together but I’ll try to keep them separate as I possibly can. Also due to previous talks of me being a homophobe when I state my opinions, I mean no offense but you have to respect my opinion as you require me to respect yours, that in no form means we will agree, but equality if for you and me…right? 

So I do respect Huffpost on attempting to include the love of black lgbt! Something that is hard to deal with in the works of black community. Not for me personally, but for the old school we can say. It’s a religious tie that is broken when a black son (more so than the daughter) comes home to moms to tickle her heart with a son-in-law and possibly adopted grandkids. I mean black people let the most evil hidden deep deep down under that Christian guise come out when this happens. All that ‘I just want my child to be happy’ shit gets thrown out the window, especially in the south! Ain’t having it! And the funniest thing I’ve also found in the south, it’s ok as long as that child hasn’t come out 😬 long as your southern baptist parents can still pretend that you’ll bring home that beauty of a woman one day. Yep that’s bat shit crazy, cause we all know he will nevuhhhhh!! 

Anywho, the only thing I hated about this avenue that Huffpost chose was it was a transgender male and a gay woman. This is apart of the community that if you are not included in, you have a short-coming on understanding. I always have lived by the fact that a gay woman wants a woman, not a woman that relates to a man or dresses and mimics a man. I mean is that not the largest fucking contradiction? And vice versa. That defies and eliminates the labeling of one in the couple of being gay, I mean you may be a supporter but ehhh I don’t logically understand. And I for one would have rather seen two men, mainly because women are openly accepted for two things (not shared in this video) visually appealing and mentally soothing. It’s easier for one to visualize and think of a lick than a poke. It’s just fact and quite funny to me typing it. Lol. The two women, one who is now a man, aren’t a good representation. It took me and a few other thousand people to go through the comments to figure it out hell. 

Let me explain a step further as I dated girls in my past life. I couldn’t stand a ‘stud’, especially the ones that was all ‘you ain’t touching me..I’m the man’. Noooooo no no! Get out my face immediately! It doesn’t make sense. If I wanted to suck dick, I’d be with a man. If I wanted to just get poked on, I’d be with a man. But yet all of this happens with some ‘lesbian’ women. Or like the couple I mention in the video, you like women yet are married to the appearance of a man? Ok someone will say it’s the inside that matters, you mean the actual being itself and its soul and mental state, the vibes….yep actual men have them too sooooooo….I don’t get it. And what I hate about having this conversation with anyone I personally know or have accidentally ran across in social media, no one can give a definitive answer. All I get is homophobic surnames mixed with a little I hope you die. Which in itself is funny, you want me to fight for your rights but yet you lead in defensiveness in conversation in understanding your life. 

As if my approval will change a hot red cent, humph. Now this leads to point #3 a transgender male and woman in a relationship is a straight couple?! Well if that’s the case I don’t see the need to fight for said rights and acknowledgement if your main goal is to mimic what already is. I mean no one will know unless you tell them right? Of course I don’t mean that question silly, I again go back to point two that clarification is needed to gain understanding, and understanding is usually necessary for meaningful and active support. But I digress. I think clarity and understanding is also needed for the members of the lgbt community because making bold statements that said couple are a straight couple is a slap in the face to the lgbt community and it’s purpose in my eyes. I mean yea you want to be given the rights as such but is that all your Union really boils down to? 

Relationships Part 1

It’s amazing how we find ourselves in so many differently “labeled” relationships but most of them all needing the same ingredients to be considered healthy.

Like for instance the unconditional love most mothers give their children is something unconsciously searched for when a man looks towards a woman. We are to love you as she does, like how she asked you as a child to put your shoes away cause she probably tripped over them constantly….yep, I find myself doing that a lot. Not my favorite thing by the way.

The thing that most people don’t realize is that all relationships are DIFFICULT. No matter who it is with, there is a moment were there will be a test of will’s and will not’s. There will be fights and arguments. No one will ever agree with you to every extent unless you have hired a yes man/woman to follow you around. With this being said where do you cross the line of disagreements? Regardless of label, when do you say enough is enough.

Specifically speaking in the dating realm, how far is unconditional love suppose to go? Is one wrong for feeling that harsh tones and aggressive mannerisms at times is strong evidence of what is conditional love or should it be understood as a momentary spark of irritation or dissatisfaction. At this moment you begin to doubt yourself, blame yourself and the inner negative behavior begins.

The power of relationships with people are so strong it can cause one to feel like the biggest and best, as well as make someone feel as the smallest ant. So when we begin to demand respect, why does this become a time for defensive behavior instead of a moment of understanding that it is a right that every human deserves?

We have to start taking some social accountability that the interactions we have with our parents, siblings, children, significant others, friends, etc…it all has a powerful effect on a persons mental state and well being. If I grow up in an environment that teaches love is hitting, cursing, etc. You can’t be surprised if the cycle is continued in the friends I have, with my children, and anyone else I may let enter my life.

So to wrap part 1 of this up, I leave you with this one question…..

Are all the relationships in your life meaningful and an ideal model of what you want and need?

Bubba’s Laws of Intelligence (and/or stupidity)

This was an awesome read.

Ubiquitous Bubba's Blog

Zeroth law of intelligence: If two systems are in intellectual equilibrium with a third system, they must be in intellectual equilibrium with each other. This law helps define the notion of intellect. The hypothesis is intended to allow the existence of an empirical parameter, the intellect, as a property of a system such that systems in intellectual equilibrium with each other have the same intellect. The law as stated here is compatible with the use of a particular physical being, for example a middle aged LARPer, to match the intellect of other beings, but does not justify regarding intellect as a quantity that can be measured on a scale of real numbers.

 First law of intelligence: Because stupidity is conserved, the internal stupidity of a system changes as idiocy flows in or out of it. Equivalently, people that violate the first law (liars) are impossible. Idiocy is the flow of stupidity from one person…

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Today

I had an epiphany, today would be the day that I give a piece of me to the world from this day forth. No specifics, no holding back, just my truth. My mind works all the time a.k.a I’m an insomniac, so why not just give you guys an extra added opinion to the crazy things we unfortunately have to deal with daily.

Being a mom has changed me in so many ways, sadly it never changed my sarcasm or assholish delivery or way of thinking. On the other hand it did give me a more conservative and loving sense of being. If you actually new me you would see that it blends perfectly together as well. Ha.

What I also discovered today is how I now have to battle the unfortunate lack of authentic souls in today’s society. With kids, this actually becomes something of great importance. How can you teach this to your kids when everything around us is a “fad” or some new found twisted way of what “is” life. I mean have you guys seen the video “throw that boy pussy” 😳

Parenting is not something that comes with ease, it’s a full time worrisome..tiring….JOB. I think of how I just knew to respect my parents as a child. How I just knew what was right or wrong. How just the fear of being caught doing anything was good enough to stop me from doing anything, regardless of who was doing it. Smh. What the hell changed? Why is society so driven on being no holds barred and open with everything? The word taboo should be stricken from the dictionary because there is no such thing anymore.

Boundaries much?

Let me sleep on this and start over tomorrow. Welcome to my world people.